


Suspended Harmonies

by costsofregret



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-24
Updated: 2014-07-24
Packaged: 2018-02-10 04:54:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2011656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/costsofregret/pseuds/costsofregret
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trying to complete his final year of college, Jared is forced to take an 18th century British literature course taught by Professor Morgan and with one Jensen Ackles as the teaching assistant. Things heat up between Jared and his TA but revelations about Jensen's sexual preferences and Jared's traumatic romantic past throw them for a loop. Can Jared accept Jensen's kind of love? Can Jensen give Jared what he needs? It's a story for the romantic and the romanticist in us all.</p>
<p>Completed for 2014 SPN-J2 Big Bang</p>
            </blockquote>





	Suspended Harmonies

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to tebtosca. 
> 
> Thanks to fiercelynormal for her support and encouragement and ldyghst for her wonderful beta. 
> 
> Warnings: AsexualJensen, Jared/OMC (brief but there), Jared/Sandy (in past), suicide (in past)

My soul is dark - Oh! quickly string  
The harp I yet can brook to hear;  
And let thy gentle fingers fling  
Its melting murmurs o'er mine ear.  
If in this heart a hope be dear,  
That sound shall charm it forth again:  
If in these eyes there lurk a tear…  
\- Lord Byron, “My Soul is Dark”

_'Twill flow, and cease to burn my brain._ “In the eighteenth century, one of the most important literary genres was the letter, or what we call the epistolary tradition.” Professor Morgan started drawing a table chart on the board.

Jared was taking notes, or at least it looked like he was taking notes. He glanced down at his doodling and smiled. It was a sketch of an engine he had been considering building for his mechanical engineering seminar.

“Nice sketch.”

Jared shot up in his chair and glanced up at Morgan’s teaching assistant, Jensen Ackles. The guy was beautiful, with thick blondish-brown hair, startling green eyes, and a smile that hovered somewhere between sarcastic and sincere. Ackles was the only redeeming aspect of this course for Jared. He had been all set to finish his engineering degree this semester with a reduced course load so he could focus on his seminar and internship. But during his final advising session, his faculty advisor had discovered Jared had been missing one general education course. He couldn’t complete his degree without it. He had tried to argue with the registrar and had even enlisted the help of the Dean of Engineering, but to no avail. It’d been so late in the term, that Professor Morgan’s course had been the only one open. Who really cared about eighteenth century British Literature? Jared looked around at the sparsely populated class and realized…not many.

“Yeah, sorry.” Jared coughed quietly and turned the page. Ackles shrugged and shifted in his chair, listening to Morgan as he droned on about letters and some chick named Clarissa.  

“So this novel was scandalous and one of the most popular stories of the 1700s,” Morgan noted as he took out a large book and laid it on the podium. The students all had equal expressions of dread and fear.

“And you all will be reading it this semester. The unabridged version.”  Morgan took out an even larger book and set it next to the other one. The book dwarfed its companion by at least a thousand pages.

“No fucking way,” Jared muttered as he imagined the hours of his life dwindling into nothingness. The fat book leered back at him.

“Yes fucking way.” Jensen smiled at him and Jared noted the almost sadistic joy on the TA’s face.

“And just so you know…” Morgan pointed toward Jensen. “My TA, Mr. Ackles, knows this book backwards and forwards. If you Cliff note it, he will know. And believe me, he’s not as kind as I am when it comes to grading your papers. One of the joys of graduate study, is making undergraduates suffer.”

Jensen nodded but remained silent as Morgan moved on. Jared just stared at the book, picturing it as his nemesis in the semester battle for free time. He shot a look over at Jensen, who must’ve felt the stare. He turned his head slightly and stared at Jared. He wore an innocent expression, but Jared knew that was a ruse. Jensen was about to become the embodiment of his nemesis. Jared shifted as he realized he was getting turned on.

When the class came to an end, Morgan reminded everyone that _Clarissa_ was available at the bookstore. Jared watched as Jensen helped Morgan collect his things and assist with a few students loitering at the front of the room.

“You’re so transparent.” Jared looked over at Genevieve—or Gen as she liked to be called—an English undergrad who had introduced herself at the beginning of class by winking at him and telling she was going to get to know him better.

Jared stared down at his hands. “No, I’m pretty sure that you can’t see through me. Skin gets in the way, and all.”

Gen rolled her eyes and gathered her things into her backpack. “Hey,” she said, looking at him, “You wanna grab some lunch?” She held up her hand. “And before you get the wrong idea. I know you’re as gay as a Judy Garland figurine, so I won’t get my heart broken.”

Jared laughed and nodded. “Well then, sure. I need to know I won’t break hearts before I break bread.”

“Oh god, stop.” Gen motioned toward the door. “I’ll meet you out in the hall. Give you a few more minutes to ogle pretty boy over there.”

“Shut up,” he snapped and looked up to make sure Jensen was out of earshot.

Jared leaned down to stuff the folder with his notes—which were really badly drawn stick figures killing books—into his tattered bag. He stared at the syllabus in his folder and muttered, “Stupid eighteenth century with your stupid faces and big ass books that no one reads except lonely old ladies with cats.”

“I read them.”

Jared jumped and his folder fell, scattering his papers onto the floor. His head snapped up, and his gaze met Jensen’s. The TA was standing, rather looming, over Jared’s seat. Even though he was a tall man, Jared felt small compared to the equally tall but exceptionally more handsome Jensen. “And I like cats, too.” Jensen smirked as he bent down to pick up the folder and papers.

“But you’re hardly a lonely old lady,” Jared rebutted, taking the folder from Jensen and stuffing the loose papers inside.

“You don’t know what I’m like inside. I could knit booties for my kittens.” Jensen stood back and folded his arms across his chest. Jared chuckled at the image of this jock like guy knitting clothes for small animals.

Jensen stood aside as Jared moved to leave. He stopped and turned to the TA. “Hey, I’m meeting Gen for lunch…you wanna join us?” Jared cringed at the hopeful note in his own voice. It was kind of pathetic, this instant crush, but maybe Jensen wouldn’t notice.

Shaking his head, Jensen declined politely, “Probably not a good idea. My being your TA and everything.”

And everything...Jared could see that happening. But he just nodded and left, glancing back one more time to see Jensen turn to speak to another student.

*****

“Welcome to your engineering seminar!”

The small group stared at the man standing in front of the class. He was dressed in a long skirt, flowing blouse, and had a cowboy hat on.

“I’m Misha,” he announced, but then shook his head. “Crap, I’m ‘Professor Collins.’” He used his fingers to make quotation marks. “You better damn well call me that when the Dean pops in here. Otherwise, I’m Misha. And I’m here to prove to you that you aren’t engineers.”

“Professor Collins?” Joe—the slight guy in the back of the room—raised his hand.

“Yes?” Misha asked without looking up. He was pulling stacks of papers out of his oversized handbag and passing them to the front row. The class was in a large workshop space with long tables and stools. It was a room meant to build in.

“Why are you wearing a skirt?” Jared asked the question abruptly, feeling almost hypnotized by the sparkly poodle on the lower left side of the skirt.

“Bluntness! I like it!” Misha handed the syllabus to Jared. “I’m wearing it because I like skirts. They are freeing, and I like poodle skirts because they make me feel like I’m always getting ready for a sock hop. And what better thing in the world to be, but to be getting ready to go to a sock hop?”

“Okay?” Jared didn’t know how to respond.

He looked down at the one page syllabus that had Misha’s contact information _Misha Collins, Professor. Office hours: Catch me if you can_ , the course description _This course is required for all Mechanical Engineering majors. You will not be building a car. Do that on your own time._ , the textbooks _No books are required...yet_ , and the assignments _You will have two assignments—build something that works and build something that works_.

Jared’s experience with other professors had not prepared him for Collins. They were rigid in their requirements, with tests that made the bravest soul cold with fear. But if he was honest with himself, Jared would admit that he felt safer with them then he felt right then.

After handing out the syllabus, Misha stood back and considered the class. “So many white men. I feel like we’re in early twentieth century Europe.”

Jared looked around. Out of the ten students, only one was a female and she also happened to be white. Everyone else was young, white, and male. He had never really noticed that before. This was his cohort.

“Well anyway, the first day is generally this. You have to complete this seminar and earn a passing grade in order to graduate. I already don’t like the looks of most of you and so that’s a strike against you. Read the syllabus. Ask your questions, and then get out of here.”

Everyone was silent. The long pause was finally interrupted by Misha. “Well then…since you’re all idiots, let’s just call it a day.  When you come back next class, have plans to build something that is designed to fail. Preferably, not yourselves.”

With that he picked up the remaining syllabi and left the room, his long poodle skirt billowing out as he exited.

Donnie—who was wearing a NASCAR cap and smelled of motor oil—looked at Jared and muttered, “We’re screwed.”

Jared couldn’t help but agree.

*******

“Ready?” Gen asked as he opened the door. She was standing outside his and Chad’s apartment. Chad was his best friend from freshmen year, when they had been housed in the same dorm room. At first Jared had been skeptical of the blond womanizer, but he had grown on Jared over time. During the summer before junior year they’d decided to rent an apartment together. It worked, except for the times when the thin-walled bedrooms let him hear all of Chad’s sexual activities. Which according to the sounds being made by both him and the girls, were downright kinky at times.

Jared grabbed his keys and nodded. “Yeah, let’s do this.”

Gen had convinced him to go to the campus LGBTQ get together with her. She had this idea that she was now his designated matchmaker, and her mission was to hook him up. He kept telling her that his life was too busy for someone right now. Over the last few weeks the work in Collins’s seminar had stacked up alongside the work in Morgan’s class. Which was made worse by one TA, who graded essays as if they were the last bastion between civilized society and chaos. Before shutting the door, his eyes settled on the latest paper he had written and the large “D” at its top. He was beginning to think Ackles was the devil.

They walked toward the campus media center where the party was located. As they drew closer he expected to hear the tell-tale sounds of techno music blaring, but instead he heard the unmistakable sounds of some rock-country blend.

“Is this the right place?” He asked Gen as they walked through the double doors.

“Gen!” A petite redhead yelled out. Jared turned, thinking she was calling out to them. Instead, he saw her flying towards the one person he had hoped to avoid until class next week—Jensen Ackles. Jensen caught the redhead in his arms and twirled her before setting her down with a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

Gen laughed. “Oh your boyfriend-slash-nemesis is here. Know what that means, right?” She wiggled her eyebrows for effect.

“It means I have a reason to leave early,” Jared responded. He saw the makeshift bar that had been set up on the other side of the room and made a beeline for it.

He was just ordering a beer when a voice interrupted, “Shouldn’t you be revising a paper or something?”

Jared rolled his eyes and turned to Jensen. “Or something.”

“He should be working on his seminar piece actually.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Jared muttered as he turned to Misha. Misha, who was dressed in a hot pink blazer and bright blue pants. “Seriously, the outfits are going to blind someone one day. So you know each other?” He gestured between the two men.

Before either could respond, the redhead from before grabbed Jensen’s arm.

“Sorry to crash the testosterone fest, but I need Jen for a few. I’m Danneel, by the way.” She stuck her hand out and Jared took it. His large palm engulfed hers.

“Jared.”

“Oh really? Jared?” Danneel looked at Jensen with a knowing look.

“Yeah, I’m the dumbass engineering student who’s taking eighteenth century masochism,” he replied.

Jensen looked like he was about to say something, but Danneel laughed and then pulled him away.

“Oh, no. Don’t man.” Jared turned to Misha, who was shaking his head. “Don’t be that guy.”

“What guy?”

“You know, that guy who hides his pining behind fake antagonism. That’s way too eighties John Hughes or two-thousands Katherine Heigl. Don’t be Katherine Heigl, Jared.” Misha reached out and thumped him on the shoulder.

Jared ignored him as his gaze followed Jensen across the room. Logic told him that since Jensen was here, he was probably here for a reason. And since it was an LGBTQ event, Jared felt his hope flare to life. Over the last few weeks, he had convinced himself that Jensen was straight. He had tried flirting with the TA, but every time he thought he was about to get a reaction, Jensen would shut down. Jared knew that Jensen wanted to smile at him, wanted to laugh at his jokes, and even accept the coffee invitations that had now become almost extinct.

 He spent a lot of time in Jensen’s makeshift office space—a small cubicle that sat adjacent to Professor Morgan’s large office. When he’d gotten an “F” on his first essay, he had thought it was Jensen’s way of seducing him. Jared imagined that once he showed up all flustered and angry, Jensen would throw him down on the beat up metal desk and have his way with Jared.

He’d been wrong. He’d been so achingly wrong.

After listening to Jensen spend forty-five minutes detailing how bad his essay really was, he had left the TA’s space feeling like a failure. The next two essays, though marginally better, were still below passing. Now Jared was at the point of hating Jensen and fearing that he would never graduate because he couldn’t fucking understand Samuel Richardson.   _Who the fuck cares about Samuel Richardson?_

In his internal rage, he’d almost forgotten Misha was standing next to him. He looked over at the amused expression on the other man’s face and muttered, “I’m not Katherine Heigl.”

Jared left it at that and walked away. Misha called out to him, but Jared took his drink and made his way to the other side of the room—far away from Collins and Ackles. He spent the next few hours getting increasingly drunk. He stood in the corner and watched the room, decidedly ignoring his teaching assistant/nemesis/crush. As his drinks came and went, his inhibitions faded away. He kept catching the eyes of various guys, holding it for a second before glancing away. He had now narrowed it down to two men. Near his table, hovering close, there was a good looking guy who called himself Matt, with lean muscles and a willingness to get Jared more and more drinks. Over by the door, the more conservative looking dude who was as tall as him smiled and Jared remembered his name was Tom. Tom had brought him one drink and a promise, one that was whispered in his ear and made him blush at its graphicness.

*****

When Gen finally disentangled herself from a rather persistent suitor, she found Jared lounging against the wall with a rather extravagant cocktail in his hand. Some guy—who looked way too happy around an impaired Jared—smiled back at her as she nodded toward the drink. “What’s that?”

“Red Hot,” the guy replied and turned to Jared. Gen got the entendre and rolled her eyes.

“Matt.” He put out his hand, and Gen stared at it before grabbing Jared’s upper arm and pulling him. He was too drunk and too frigging big to budge, but she tried anyway.

“Hey, Jared. Let’s head home, okay?” But he wasn’t looking at her. Instead his gaze was fixed on something, or rather someone, across the room. She didn’t have to turn to see it was Ackles. She wouldn’t be surprised either if the other guy was staring back. It was like a bad teen movie or rom-com between the two of them.

She pulled at him again and glared at Matt. “Come on, Jared.”

He followed her reluctantly. As they were passing Jensen and his small group of friends, Jared snarked, “Screw Richardson.”

Jensen glanced up and retorted, “Learn how to use a comma.”

Jared was about to say something when Gen pushed him away. “Let’s go.”

They made their way back to Jared’s apartment in silence. They were a block away when Jared stopped. “I hate him,” he announced. “I really, really hate him.”

“No, you don’t,” she soothed. “You just want him to think of you beyond your commas.”

“I don’t get commas, Gen. I mean what do they do?”

She almost laughed at his forlorn expression. Instead, she guided him to the bed and left him there, shirt tail untucked and all. He’d figure it out in the morning and then cry to her over how badly he felt—both physically and psychologically.

She giggled as she wrote a quick note and stuck it on his forehead.

***********

The first thing he tasted was ass…or something approximate to it. He shook his head and reached up to swat at the bug on his forehead. His hand came away with a sticky note that said, “You’re so gonna regret your behavior.”

The previous night’s events came back to him, and he groaned. He remembered getting more and more irritated with Jensen as he had seen the other man surrounded by girls and guys; they all seemed to adore him, while Jared sat in the corner and drank until every guy who came by was a potential fuck buddy. There was a guy, Matt, who’d hung around for most of the night. He was a drama major, which was no surprise given his bad acting. He’d tried to convince Jared that he was a local celebrity, and Jared guessed in some bathrooms he was.

“Yo, Jay. Wake the hell up!” Chad yelled as he pounded on the door.

Jared winced and shouted back. “Stuff it up your ass, Chad!”

“Not my thing, Jaybird. I like stuffing.”

“You’re a disgusting pig,” Jared muttered as he crawled out of bed. He opened the door, and his roommate took one look at him and raised his hands.

“Dude, sorry. You look like you were rode hard, put up wet, and then rode hard again. What the hell happened?”

“Commas,” Jared responded and headed straight for the bathroom.

He stood under the shower spray for a long time, trying to erase the image of Jensen smiling at Misha, Danneel, and every other living being at the party except him. Each time Jensen had caught Jared looking, and granted it happened more often as the night passed and the drinks grew in number, Jensen would just have a blank look on his face.

“Whatever.” Jared scrubbed his hair and after a few minutes jumped out of the shower. He was late for work, and there was still the damn mechanical engineering project he had to finish for Monday afternoon. It was a good reason to skip Morgan’s class though. He had enough absences left that it wouldn’t hurt. He dressed quickly, grabbing the jeans and t-shirt he usually wore at the shop. He pulled them on and rushed through the apartment.

He rushed by Chad who reminded him to pick up beer on the way home. Apparently, it was his turn.

Jared walked into the garage and nodded to his boss, Amanda. She owned the place and was also the lead mechanic on the cars. . She was pretty badass and had a really hot body. If he were into girls, he’d have been all over that like half the guys there. But she was taken. Apparently, she had some massively epic affair with a local professor who she wouldn’t name. He was guessing Misha, because that’s how fucked up his life was. But she wouldn’t talk about him and no one around had seen him. Perhaps, she was a crazy stalker, and even the professor didn’t know he was dating her.

“Padalecki, grab that Camry over there and check its ignition switch. I think it may be dead.” Amanda nodded toward the lot.  Jared saw the lone car sitting there, with so many dents and bruises that it appeared to be part rust and part tornado victim.

“Dear god, who or what did you piss off?” He asked the car. He popped the hood and began checking the components.

“You’re the mechanic?” Jared’s head slammed into the underside of the  hood, and he cursed. He looked up and there was Jensen. Tall and beautiful and tanned Jensen.

“This is your car?” Jared rubbed his head and cursed again when his hand came away bloody. “Dammit.”

“Oh shit.” Jensen stepped forward and reached for Jared’s skull. Not thinking, Jared stepped back and caught his foot on a tire iron lying next to the car. He flailed his arms as he felt the ground rush up to meet his back. He fell with a thud onto the dusty concrete, luckily not hitting his head… again. The mixture of leftover hangover, head injury, and Ackles humiliation made him want to just lay there and let his eyes close until the day ended.

“Hey, Jared. You okay?” Jensen was crouched , grabbing at his face, and smacking his cheek gently, which only made the pain in his head worsen.

“What the hell, man?” Jared knocked his hand away and made to sit up. With the way that Jensen was hovering over him, the sudden movement brought Jensen down on top of him. His knee firmly wedged against Jared’s crotch, which was starting to become alert to the fact that _Jensen Ackles was practically humping his leg._

“I’m sorry, world, universe, god, or whatever. I am sorry for the crime I committed in some former life. I didn’t mean to kick the puppy,” Jared whispered. He glanced up, and Jensen was smiling down at him and chuckling with amusement.  Annoyed, Jared shoved him. “Get off me.”

Jensen moved back and then stood up. He offered his hand to Jared, who pushed it away. “I got it,” he said petulantly. He wiped his hands down his jeans, hoping the movement would calm his very alert cock. “So this piece of…I mean this car is yours?”

“Yeah, I’ve had it for a few years. It was my brother’s.”

“So what seems to be the problem?” Jared couldn’t deny that a part of him loved that he was the expert now. _Screw your eighteenth century epistolary novel, Ackles. How’s Samuel Richardson going to help you fix your stupid car? Richardson going to wax poetic to it and make it move again? Ha, thought not._ Of course, Jared said nothing like out loud this because first, Ackles still was his grader and second, well Ackles was his grader.

Jensen explained that he had tried starting it up, but it would just make a clicking sound and wouldn’t turn over.

Jared nodded. “I think you have a starter issue.”

“At least it’s not a finishing issue,” Jensen responded.

Jared looked at him in shock. “What?”

Jensen bent his head, “Sorry, force of habit. You know, play on words and all.”

“Okay, well. Whatever.” Jared was irritated. He didn’t want Jensen mocking him, and that’s what it felt like. The TA had made it clear that they were simply student and grader, so his attempts at humor were weird and awkward and Jared didn’t like it.

“The good news is that it’s a pretty easy fix. The bad news is that I have to order the part, and it probably won’t be here until tomorrow. And since that’s Friday, I can’t get to it until Tuesday at the earliest.” Jared grabbed the keys and got in, just to check his theory. He turned the key, and there was the telltale click of a failed starter. “Yeah, it’s your starter. “

Jensen pointed at Jared’s head, “You should really get that taken care of.”

Jared had forgotten about the injury, but as soon as Jensen mentioned it, he reached up and felt the sticky proof of blood. He stumbled out of the car and suddenly felt the dizziness over take him. “Crap.”

“Hey, hey, why don’t you sit down, okay?” Jensen grabbed his arm and pulled him toward the garage. Amanda looked up when they approached, and her eyes widened when she saw the blood streaming down Jared’s temple. “Christ on a cracker, Jared. What the hell did you do?”

“I’m okay.” he swatted at their hands.

Amanda took the first aid kit out of the sliding toolbox. “Stupid kid, look at you.”

“I’m not stupid.” He winced as she dabbed peroxide the injury. He knew it wasn’t bad— just a flesh wound. The dizziness was probably more sleep deprivation, his remaining hangover, stress, and a man named Ackles.

“You need to go home.” Jensen rubbed absently at Jared’s palm and Jared shook him away.

“I’m fine, I said.” Jared stood up, but another wave of dizziness hit him. “Dammit.” He sat back down. Both Amanda and Jensen stared down at him until finally he said, “Fine, I’ll go home. But first you have to order a starter for that piece of crap car out there so I can fix it on Tuesday.”

Jared wasn’t trying to be nice. But he was even more irritated when Jensen, instead of being offended, just laughed.

“I don’t trust a man who doesn’t defend his car,” Jared accused.

“I don’t trust a man who thinks cars need defending,” Jensen replied. “You do realize they are inanimate objects?”

“Hush your mouth!” Amanda slapped Jensen on the arm. “Don’t go saying shit like that here. The cars may hear you.”

“Oh, dear god,” Jensen sighed. “Well anyway, I think you need to get home, Jared. And since I’m without a ride, and you probably shouldn’t drive, let’s make a deal? I’ll drive you home in your car and then walk from there.”

“How do you know where I live? I could be miles away from where you live. On the other side of town even.”

“Um…well you live close to campus right? I mean you always come in wet, like you ran straight from the shower so I assumed.” Jensen let the words hang, and Jared realized that Jensen has been noticing him. Noticing when he was wet. _Huh._

“So you noticed that?” Jared wanted to poke at him now.

But the TA straightened up, and Jared saw his wall of professionalism slam down. “It’s the most effective solution. You live close to campus. I have no car. I need a ride. I can walk.”

Amanda laughed. “You two need a room, like now.”

“No, that’s not what this is,” Jensen denied, but Jared winked at his boss.

“Yeah well, Jensen here has problems with my structure.”

Jensen rolled his eyes, getting the dig at his comments on Jared’s papers. After a few moments Jensen nodded toward the parking lot. “Are we going?”

Jared followed Jensen to his car. He hesitated a moment before handing over the keys. He normally didn’t let others drive her. She was a sweet 1967 Impala that he had rebuilt from shell and bones. He had spent the whole summer between his junior and senior year of high school on her, and he was protective. But something about Jensen told him the other man would be careful. He seemed almost too considerate at times. He had noticed it in class, with the students who were struggling. Jensen would sit with them and reassure them as he walked them through their arguments. He felt jealous because Jensen always seemed to be disappointed when he showed up with his essays.

Jensen started up the car and smiled. “Nice purr.”

“Yeah, that’s a eight cylinder purr right there. Good ol’ American might and steel.”

“Where’d you get her?” Jensen asked as he pulled out of the drive. He headed toward campus. It was a fifteen minute ride, so Jared laid his head back and shrugged.

“Built her when I was 17.”

“You built this?”

“Her,” Jared snapped back.

“Sorry. Her.” Jensen chuckled, and Jared wanted to reach out and thwack him on the shoulder. He didn’t know why all of a sudden he was amusing to Ackles.

They rode the rest of the way in silence. When they neared his street, Jared began to point but Jensen had already turned on the turn signal.

“Seriously, how do you know…”

“Your address is on your records. I have an eidetic memory.” Jensen interrupted. He pulled up in front of the apartment, and Jared saw Chad’s car parked out front. They sat there for a few awkward moments before both began…

“Wanna come up?”

“I should get going…”

Jared huffed and looked out the window. “Yeah, sure, forgot. No fraternizing with students.”

“Jared.” Jensen sighed as he opened the driver’s side door. Jared followed suit and stood outside the car. He put his hand out over the hood and waited for Jensen to hand him the keys.

“Let’s not. We know that I made a fool of myself last night, quasi stalking you. Let’s just call this a bout of youthful indiscretion, move on, and  never speak of it again.”

Jensen slid the keys across the shiny black metal.  Jared grabbed them and turned to go into the apartment.

“You were cute,” Jensen said just as Jared put his hand on the doorknob. “And if we could, I’d like to get to know each other. But you’re a student, Jared. It’s not allowed.”

“You’re a student too, you know.” Jared turned back. He felt a little of his confidence return as he saw Jensen blush slightly at him before moving his gaze away. “And you’re kind of cocky to think that my offers of friendship are moves for something else. I mean, I could just want to learn more about eighteenth century literature. Y’know?”

Jensen barked out a laugh, “Oh yeah, that’s it. I can see you salivating when Morgan starts detailing the different historical and cultural influences on the epistolary tradition. Oh wait, I think it might’ve been drool from your snoring.”

“Well okay, you got me there. But still, I could just want to get to know you. You seem cool. I mean, look at all your suitors last night. I doubt I’d have a chance in that line anyway.” Jared meant for it to sound joking, but he even heard the edge of frustration in his voice.

Jensen didn’t respond. Instead he shrugged. “You don’t get it..I...” He stopped and then shrugged again. “Anyway, you should get in and take a shower. Get the blood off you.” He motioned to Jared’s head.

He began to walk away, and Jared was almost inside when Jensen called out, “Lunch on Wednesday might work. I mean, if you and your friend Gen want me to join.”

“Yeah, that’d be great…” Jared nodded before going in.

Jensen smiled and then turned to leave. Jared stood in the open door and watched as Jensen turned the next corner and ambled out of sight.

******

“Fuck my life!” Jared yelled as he hit his finger on a screw. He was doing last minute adjustments on his engineering project. He was in a hurry. His project, this stupid project that Misha told them they had to intentionally build to fail. _Whatever_.

He carried the exhaust pipe into the classroom and laid it on the long metal table. He looked around at the other projects and sighed. Jerry had a bridge of toothpicks resting on his desk. Tam had a rather complicated contraption that Jared guessed was a vending machine.

“So failures, ready to show me what you got?” Misha entered. He was dressed this time in a striking ball gown with fluffy sleeves and a sleek torso wrapped around his middle like a vice. It was ivory white, and Jared wondered if he was getting married.

“No, already married.”

Jared hadn’t realized he had said it aloud and sighed because once Misha’s attention was on him, he was toast. He was proud of his project. It was set up to fail, per the instructions.

“So Katherine Heigl, how’s your hangover?”

Jared rolled his eyes. “I’m not Katherine Heigl.”

“Yeah, yeah you are. But I’m gonna save you for last, because I want to savor your anxiety.”

With that, Misha began going through the room and asking each student to demonstrate their project. Jerry’s bridge collapsed once he pushed a little matchbox car down its road. He explained the structural issues, and Misha made everyone clap. The hour moved quickly as Misha moved from one project to the next, each time encouraging everyone to applaud. Finally, he got to Jared.

“So I have this exhaust pipe, and if you turn this button…” Jared started it and the pipe—which had been rigged with a small metal flap that didn’t open—filled with smoke. It began to seep out through the cracks. The room quickly became smoky, and a few students began coughing. Misha waved the smoke away and then ordered everyone to leave as Jared desperately tried to shut off the machine, but it wouldn’t stop. Smoke continued billowing into the room.

“Everyone out!” Misha shouted, as he began to open the windows. Tam, ever so generous, started clapping but Misha turned on her and gave her a deadly stare. “Out.”

“What the hell, Katherine?” Misha asked as he pushed open the last window.

“I’m not Katherine!.” Jared shouted back as the machine finally fell silent. He and Misha stood there in the midst of the smoke, and Jared felt like a total and complete failure.

“Well, if we had some Whitesnake, this would be the setup for a moody eighties hair metal video.” Misha waved his arms to push more of the smoke out the windows. The smoke alarm finally kicked in, and the high pitch sound filled the room.

“It’s not the guitar I was hoping for,” Misha said as he hooked up his dress and climbed onto the table. He bent down and grabbed the high heel he was wearing and used it to knock the alarm off the wall. Jared watched as it careened across the room and fell with a thump near the door.

Misha climbed down. “Well that’s gonna get me in trouble.” He put his shoe back on and stared at Jared’s exhaust pipe. “So this was a failure.”

“That’s good, right?” Jared asked hopefully, but Misha just glanced up at him and shook his head.

“No, Jared. It’s not. What did you do, stick a rag in there?” He looked into the pipe and reached his hand in. He moved his fingers and exclaimed, “Ha. You built a flap in here that wouldn’t move?”

“Well, yeah.”

“That’s not what I asked, Jared. I didn’t ask you for sabotage. I asked you to build a failure.”

Jared stared at Misha for a moment before asking, “What’s the difference?”

Misha shook his head. “And that’s the problem right there, Jared. If you don’t know, I can’t teach you.” He was about to say something else, but the campus police entered the classroom with the Dean of Engineering.

“It’s all right, guys!” Misha made his way over, throwing his hands in the air. “Students! Whadya gonna do, right?”

******

Jared looked at the starter. He’d finished the installation a few minutes before and now was about ready to start it up.

“Almost finished?” Jensen had come by an hour or so before, and had decided to hang out while Jared fixed his car. At first he‘d stayed in the garage, but halfway through Jared had sensed someone standing close. He’d looked up and Jensen had been standing there. His first reaction had been to be snarky, but after his total failure of a project with Misha, he was feeling defeated. It didn’t bode well for him finishing the class with anything resembling a passing grade, so he’d thought better of antagonizing another one of his evaluators.

“Yeah, just need to start her up.” He grabbed the keys and slid into the front seat. He noticed a pile of CDs on the passenger seat, all classical music. “Your grandma give you this car?” He asked as he turned the key. The car started right away.

“What?” Jensen stood by the open door.

“Your grandma.” Jared nodded toward the stack of CDs.

“No.” Jensen shook his head. “Those are mine. I’m downloading them for my dissertation.”

“I thought you were a lit major?”

Jensen shrugged. “I am but my dissertation tracks the use of music in certain eighteenth century texts or at least argues that the music influences them. And I really like music.”

“You play any instruments? Sing?” Jared, of course, couldn’t play a lick of music. He was tone deaf to a terrible degree. Dogs wailed when he sang.

“A little…”

“I’d love to hear you.” Jared stopped himself, realizing this was starting to sound too personal. He waited for Jensen to lock up, but the other man just smiled.

“Maybe one day,” he promised vaguely and then stuck his hand out as Jared got out. “Thanks, Jared. You’re a car genius.”

Jared laughed as he wiped his hands on the towel, the grease coming away only barely. “Well, Amanda’s got the bill up front so…if you don’t need anything else?”

“Oh, no. We’re still on for lunch tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah, sure.” Jared considered Jensen and then moved back. Jared had often lived to make others love him, sometimes with devastating consequences. _Why don’t you love me, Jared?_ He shook the memory away as fast as it arrived. Jared knew one thing -- he didn’t want to be that guy. He didn’t want to be Katherine Heigl.

“Good, so I’ll see you after class?”

“Sounds good.” With that, Jared walked away and didn’t notice Jensen staring at him as he left.

********

Jared and Gen were laughing at his project story when Jensen joined them.

“What’s so funny?” He asked as they waited for him to sit.

“Nothing,” Jared responded quickly and then proceeded to change the topic. They chatted for a bit before Jared prompted, “So tell us about this dissertation of yours, Ackles.”

Jensen smiled. “Well I’m looking at the use of the baroque guitar and the lyre in certain poems and how that image accompanies a proto-romantic tradition.” Jensen stopped when he saw the blank look on both of their faces. “Sorry, that’s what we call the ‘cocktail’ version of my work. Grad students are taught to talk about it briefly, in case someone asks us.”

“So you’re studying guitars and poetry basically?” Gen asked as she sipped on her hot coffee.

“Yeah, that’s about it.”

“Why?” Jared didn’t understand what the point was. “I mean, it sounds interesting. I guess. But what’s the point?”

Jensen sighed. “Um…I guess so we understand how the history of the guitar is linked to how we think about literature and poetry. Poetry is sound and language. Music is the silent partner of most poetry, or at least that’s what I believe.”

“So how’d you end up in a class about letters?” Jared pushed.

“Morgan’s my advisor and he needed a TA and I’m it. It’s not like you’ve got a lot of people waiting to study eighteenth century literature. Not ‘sexy science’ enough for today’s marketplace.”

“Well, I think it’s awesome,” Gen interjected and they turned the conversation to more mundane things like the new show they were watching.

“Jen!” The girl from the party—Danneel—hurried over to the table and squeezed into the chair beside Jensen. She bid Gen and Jared a quick nod of greeting before grabbing Jensen’s arm. “Hey, we gotta go. I need you.”

Jared’s fingers flexed around his coffee cup, and he could feel his fingertips leaving indents in the cardboard aggregate. So was Jensen straight then?

“Whoa there, tiger. What do you ‘need’ me for? Last time I heard those words, I lived to regret my life.”

“Oh really?” Gen smirked and leaned forward. “Tell us more.”

Jared kicked her under the table, and she grunted.

“Ow!” She reached down to massage her calf.

“Oh, sorry. Long legs and all.” Jared apologized insincerely and gave her a dirty look.

“Ha! No, not that kind of trouble.” Danneel laughed. “Jen here wouldn’t touch a girl that way if he had someone else’s fingers.”

“Oh really?” Gen leaned in again. “Now tell us more.”

“Gen!” Jared warned her and then turned to Jensen. He was looking at Danneel with the same look Jared had just given Gen.

“Danni…” Jensen got up and motioned for her to follow. “Let’s go, and you can tell me about your urgent need on the way back to my office.” He stared at Jared. “Sorry we have to leave.” He didn’t let Danneel respond as he moved her out of the chair and led her away.

“Well that was interesting,” Gen observed as they fell into an awkward silence. “I think he’s gay?”

“I don’t know, and I really don’t care. Right now, I’m worried about passing classes. Not whether or not Ackles fucks guys.” Jared balled up the napkin from his cup and threw it on the table. “I gotta go.”

Jared left Gen openmouthed and stomped out of the shop. He was walking down the street when he heard Jensen’s voice.

“Danni, let it go.”

Jared stepped back and stayed out of view of the two, who were standing in the shallow alley next to the shop.

“Just tell him, Jen. He’s got it bad, and you’re not being fair.” Danneel’s hands were moving rapidly with her words.

“There’s nothing to tell, Danni. He’s a student and there’s no space there for anything else. Now just drop it.”

“Fine.” Danneel shook her head and continued. “But you know there’s nothing wrong with talking about it or telling him. You know that more than anyone. Come on, Jen!”

“Done.” Jensen started walking in Jared’s direction. Jared walked the other way briskly and turned the other corner before Jensen came out of the alley. He allowed himself a glance back and saw that Jensen was going the opposite way.

Jared wondered what Danneel knew about Jensen.

_“Why can’t you love me, Jared?”_

Jared was surprised by the reemergence of the memory, and he shut it down immediately. He had a feeling that Jensen was one of those people who would make Jared relive moments he’d rather forget…conjure up ghosts he’d rather stayed dead and buried.

*******

“So Jared, your project...” Misha caught him as he was exiting class.

“Yeah, I know. We discussed its suckage at length, Professor Collins. Let’s not beat a dead horse. Okay?”

“No, not that one. I don’t want to relive that and also you owe me forty-five dollars for the alarm that I accidentally broke with my shoe,” He said the accidentally with air quotes.

“Whatever,” Jared responded with his own air quotes.

“Let’s talk about it over dinner. My wife is making vegan lasagna, and it’s awesome. You’re too skinny, so you should eat with us.” Misha took his elbow and moved him along.

“Now?” Jared snatched his elbow away. “I may have a life…plans, you know?”

“Oh, Katherine. You’re so cute when you lie.”

“Not Katherine, man. Stop.”

They squabbled back and forth, and before he knew it, Jared was being ushered into Misha’s apartment. The smell of lasagna wafted through the rooms and a thin, striking woman came into view.

“Vicky, this is Jared.”

“Oh hi! Jared, the exhaust pipe killer?” Vicky held her hand out and smiled mischievously at Jared.

“Seriously?” Jared exclaimed. “I mean it failed! You asked for failure.”

“You sabotaged it. Different game all together. But we can discuss that another time. Let’s eat dinner!”

Misha and Jared sat at the table and were about to start dishing out the food when a knock interrupted them. Vicky excused herself and went to answer the door. Jared’s back straightened immediately when he heard who it was.

“Hey Vick, I brought some…” Jensen stopped mid-sentence when he noticed Jared sitting at the table.

“Oh look it’s Jensen!” Misha announced. “Come on in, man. We’re just about to start.”

“You know, I should go. My roommate. Chad. Well he’s probably wondering…” Jared made to get up but Misha forced him back down.

“You have a cell phone. Text him. We live in the twenty-first century K-Dog.”

“If you weren’t my professor,” Jared muttered under his breath. He didn’t look up as Jensen sat in the chair next to his, which was the only one available. He was certain that Misha Collins was an evil genius sent from a planet known only to the Marvel and DC universes.

“You’d have failed your first assignment anyway. I’m a gift to you, Jared. You’ll see.” Misha winked and then turned to Jensen. “So Jen, how’s the dissertation coming?”

“Fine, Misha. I’m curious to know why you invited me to dinner. What was so important that Vicky called Jeff to make sure I was here?”

“Oh dinner!” Misha dug in and both Jared and Jensen let their issues go. Dinner talk turned to daily chit chat until finally the meal was done.

“So Jensen is the director of our local LGBTQ chapter,” Misha announced as he was clearing off the table.

“Oh, really?” Jared acted nonchalant but was wondering why Misha felt the need to share this.

“Misha,” Jensen warned and was about to say something when a baby started crying. Jared looked over at the monitor.

“You’ve reproduced?” Jared stuttered and then felt badly. He looked at Vicky. “Sorry.”  
  
Vicky smiled. “Oh that’s the same question our parents asked so no worries.” She and Misha left to tend to the baby while Jared and Jensen were left alone.

Jared patted his jeans nervously. “So you run the chapter, huh?”

“Yeah, so look Jared. We need to talk. It seems there may be a misunderstanding about to happen, and I want to cut it off before it blows into a Judd Apatow level plot.”

“I’m not Katherine Heigl, dammit.” Jared sighed.

Jensen raised his eyebrow. “I get that. I mean, why did you even say that?”

“Nevermind. So what’s the misunderstanding?”

Jensen looked up as Misha entered. “Thanks for dinner. And thank Vicky for me. I think Jared and I will head out. I’d like to talk to him.”

“Good, ‘bout time.” Misha nodded and went back into check on Vicky.

*********

Jared and Jensen walked in silence down the street. As they neared the edge of the park, Jensen nodded to the bench. “Wanna sit?”

They sat down, and Jensen stared at his hands before starting. “So, I do direct the local LGBTQ chapter here on campus. I stepped in when the last director got a job across country. I didn’t really want to do it, but it was kind of a ‘if I didn’t do it, no one else would thing.’”

“That’s cool. You like it?”

“Sometimes,” Jensen said. “I like helping out and giving a place for people to feel safe and protected. I didn’t have that feeling in high school, and even now I sometimes feel out of place.”

“Well you seem popular and desired,” Jared whispered. He watched as Jensen smiled softly, with a tilt of skepticism.

“So you should probably know then that I’m more of the “Q” in the LBGTQ line up. I…well hell, you know. I’m not ashamed of it but to be honest, it’s always awkward talking about it to people who you know may not understand.”

“Jensen. I’m gay, if you didn’t already know so no judgment from me.”

“I’m not gay, Jared. I’m queer. Actually, I’m asexual with homoromantic tendencies.”

Jared sat there for a moment trying to digest what Jensen just said but then just blurted out, “What does that mean?”

Jensen huffed out a laugh. “It means that I’m not really sexually attracted to others. I form relationships, of course, and have very close friendships even romances. But I’m not into the sex part of it. Or at least, that’s not the most important part for me.”

“So you’re a virgin?”

“No, I’ve had sex, Jared. I’m just saying that it’s not really my thing.” Jensen got up and started to pace. “You see, it’s not that easy to understand for someone who is highly sexual. Which you are.”

“Hey! Wait a minute, that sounds almost like an insult.”

“No! I didn’t mean it that way at all. I just meant that you seem to be a very sexual being. Which is cool, but I don’t want you to get the wrong impression from me.” Jensen sat down again. “Dammit, this was supposed to come out better.”

“What’s supposed to come out better?”

Jensen chuckled. Jared noted how he nervously rubbed his hands up and down the thighs of his jeans as he continued. “I want to be your friend, Jared. I kind of like you, even if you can’t write a sentence to save your life. We’re probably not supposed to do this since I’m your TA, and I’m sure there are all kinds of rules prohibiting this friendship. But you’re funny and smart and can build cars and that’s pretty cool.”

Jensen stopped and then started again, “But that’s all we can be, Jared. I’m not the guy you think I am or at least not the guy you have a crush on.”

“Wait...” Jared was embarrassed by being called out on his infatuation.

“It’s okay. I mean, it’s flattering and all. ButI just wanted to be honest so, you know, we could be friends and there wouldn’t be this awkward ‘does he like me or not’ tension. Because, I’m just not built for the relationship you probably have in mind.”

“Wow,” Jared responded. He didn’t really know how to react. If he were honest with himself, he didn’t get the asexual thing. Jensen was right. He was very sexual. He wasn’t promiscuous. His momma taught him better than that, but he did enjoy sex, wanted it, and couldn’t imagine a close romantic relationship without it.

“So no sex, huh?”

Jensen laughed. “Of course you would ask that. I’ve had sex, Jared. But it was something I did to try to prove I was ‘normal’ and after a while that got tired. I may have it again someday, but I can’t imagine it will be with anyone who I’m not in a long term, committed relationship with. Even then, it would have to be with someone who understood that, for me, it’s just not the thing that seals the deal.”

“Fair enough. So now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, you wanna join me at my place for some Madden and not sex time?”

Jensen laughed loudly and nodded. “Sure. And you know, you’re pretty cool about this.”

“Well it’s not a thing, right? I mean. I never had a shot at you anyway so...”

“Don’t say that, Jared. It’s not about...”

Jared raised his hand and interrupted, “I’m just kidding, man. I respect your wishes and your identity. I do have guy friends, y’know. And I even don’t have sex with them. Amazing but true.”

They got up and walked  towards Jared’s apartment.  He could feel the beginnings of a deep friendship already.

However, in the back of his mind a face haunted him, as did the words, “ _Why can’t you love me, Jared?”_

*******

“So let me get this right. He doesn’t have sex? That guy? No sex?” Chad drank the milk from the carton as he ranted. Jared made note to buy another carton and some sticky notes to remind Chad that it was not okay to drink from the carton. He thought he had broken his roommate of that habit long ago.

“Chad, please just don’t say anything to him while he’s here.” Jared was cleaning up the front room. It’d been a week since their dinner at Misha’s, and he’d spent each day since having coffee with Jensen, Gen, and Danneel. This was the first time they’d all be over for dinner.

“What? I don’t even know if I can talk to him. I don’t think we’re from the same species. I’m part of the sexicus masculinicus line.”

Jared rolled his eyes. “More like cromagnus idioticus.”

“Whatevs, dude. I’m off to see if Sophia will finally give me some lovin’. I’ve been working that girl like a tractor on a field.”

“That visual will haunt me until I die. Thank you very much.”

“Well sorry, man. But Chad speaks the truth.” His roommate finished off the carton and then tossed it to the garbage. He missed. As always.

“Seriously, you’re like a stunted child. And stop talking about yourself in the third person. You’re leveling up past idiot to douchebag.” Jared picked up the carton and threw it in the recycling can.

Chad shrugged and went to get ready. Jared stood back and looked at the apartment. It was kind of clean. Okay, well it was presentable. Clean was never going to be a thing this apartment would be. He took his cell and pushed the speed dial for the pizza place down the street. The three of them were due in about thirty minutes, so he figured the pizza would be there just in time.

After ordering, he went to get ready. He took a quick shower so he didn’t pay attention as the door opened and shut, thinking it was Chad leaving. He had forgotten his shirt in the living room, so walked out to grab it when he was faced with three sets of eyes staring at his naked body.

“Whoa boy,” Danneel shouted and then covered her mouth.

“My god!” Gen laughed and covered her eyes, while Jensen stood and smirked.

“Well if that’s not the body of poetry,” he teased, and Jared resisted the urge to fall back. Screw them he thought as he sauntered back to his bedroom.

“Work it, boy!” Danneel shouted after him.

They were still giggling when he came back in a few minutes later. Ignoring them, he announced the imminent arrival of their food and tasked them with getting plates and napkins. Jensen and he set the dining room table, moving books to the side. When the doorbell rang, Jensen went to get the pizza.

“I got it.” Jared handed a few bills to the delivery guy as Jensen ducked under his arm to bring the pizza back to the table.

Soon the apartment was filled with laughter as they regaled each other with stories from high school and their first year at college.

“No lie.” Gen held her hand up. The wine was flowing, and Jared could tell she was a sheet or two to the wind. “No fucking lie, but I lost my virginity to a girl named Frankie who swore to god she was the reincarnation of Gertrude Stein. I think Stein would’ve been appalled at her sexual skills.”

“Well that will not beat my two minute romp with Joey the running back in the closet of the local minister’s house. Let’s just say that Joey couldn’t hold his balls.” Danneel winked, and they all started laughing.

“What about you, Jared?”

He shifted uncomfortably when the attention was turned on him. First, he wasn’t sure this was the best conversation to be having with Jensen in the room. It seemed wrong somehow. And second, he really didn’t want to remember his first time.

“ _Is it me, Jared? What did I do?”_

He was caught up in the memory. Shame and fear threatened to surge up hard and fast and in crushing detail when he heard a slight cough.

“Mine was a blowjob with the local quarterback, and he could hold his balls,” Jensen interjected but he was looking at Jared intently.

The girls started giggling, and Jared got up to get more drinks. They had changed subjects by the time he came back, and he was relieved. He enjoyed their company, especially Jensen’s as he told them about his research and what he was writing on. He got so animated about the literature, and it made Jared want to know more. Of course, he wouldn’t admit that to the TA. He was hoping a “C” would get him out of Morgan’s class. If Jensen thought he was interested, he was afraid Jensen would expect more out of him, which he couldn’t give right now. Between work and his classes, he was barely keeping his head above water, and now that Misha was asking them to come up with another project idea, he was strapped for energy.

It was nearly midnight when Danneel started yawning. “I’m gonna head home,” she said on the tail end of a yawn. Gen and Jensen nodded. Jensen had one beer several hours ago, instead sipping on a soda as they talked. He was the driver, and Jared smiled at his sense of responsibility.

“Hey, Jared. Do you have time to look at my car tomorrow? It’s making a funny sound. I’ll pay you, of course.”

“Nah, man. I can check it out. Just bring it by the apartment tomorrow after work. You can pay me in pizza.”

“Thanks,” Jensen said as he slapped Jared on the shoulder. The camaraderie was nice, but Jared had to admit a thrill shot through his body when Jensen’s hand touched him. He was trying really hard to tamp down on the crush he had. He kept telling himself that it was never going to happen—couldn’t happen. But the more he got to know Jensen the harder it was to not feel things for him, things that he could never expect to return to him.

*****

“So I think we should totally celebrate your “C+.” Which by the way, was Morgan’s grade. Not mine.” Jensen announced as he walked into Jared’s place.

“Morgan graded mine?” Jared asked as he took the case of beer from Jensen’s arms.

“Yeah, well I asked him if he wouldn’t mind grading yours from now on, since we’re friends. He totally understood. I didn’t want there to be a conflict of interest or anything.”

Jared nodded. “Thanks, because I’d be pissed if your losing ass couldn’t play Madden with me.”

“Fuck you, man. I win as often as I lose. Your memory is questionable.”

They bantered back and forth for a while as they settled in. Chad was gone for the night, and Jared was glad of that. The first and last encounter between his roommate and new best friend had ended up becoming awkward when Chad asked Jensen how he lived a sexless life. He was sure Jensen was going to be pissed when he figured out Jared had said something to Chad. But Jensen had taken it in stride, retorting that sexless was sometimes better than sexful and anonymous. That had shut Chad up…at least for that moment.  Jared hadn’t been kidding when he’d said Chad was both stunted and primitive. The guy lived on Pop-Tarts, sex, and Juicy Fruit.

As Jared began to feel the effects of the beer take hold, he felt his inhibitions lower. He was looking at Jensen’s profile more than the screen. He let himself be distracted and when he finally lost the third game in a row, Jensen turned to him.

“Stop, Jared.”

“What?” Jared asked lazily, leaning back against the couch pillows.

“The staring. I can feel your eyes boring into my skull.”

“I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Do you totally not feel any kind of attraction?” Jared knew he was walking into dangerous territory, but sexual frustration and booze was a heady combination.

“Jared.” Jensen scooted away from him and settled in to look straight at him. “You’re a great guy…”

“Oh man, don’t do that. That’s the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech, and that’s just not right.”

“No, this is the ‘it’s you’ speech. Don’t worry.”

Jared sighed and got up. He grabbed the empty beer bottles and brought them into the kitchen. He was angry at himself, because he knew it had been a stupid move. He stayed there a few minutes, leaning against the kitchen counter. He felt the air shift around him when Jensen entered.

“Please.  Let’s just forget I said anything,” Jared pleaded.

Jensen put his hand out, touching Jared’s arm. “I like you a lot, Jared.”

“Please, don’t do that.” Jared moved away. “We are coming from two totally different places here, and I know it. But you can’t just touch me. I know this is my deal, and I’ll get over this crush or whatever.”

“I wish I could…” Jensen dropped his hand and turned. “It’s not that I don’t feel things, Jared. I do. But the physical part? That’s just. It’s different, and I don’t know how to make you see.” He sighed and then seemed to make a decision. “Here, come on.”

Jared didn’t know what to do as Jensen led him back to the bedroom. Jensen had never been inside, but seemed to intuitively know which room was Jared’s. They entered the room, and Jensen pushed him down onto the bed. Jared didn’t understand what was going on and started to protest, “Jensen, you don’t have to…”

“Oh I’m not, but let me show you something. Okay?” He slipped off his shoes and crawled into bed beside Jared. He sat against the headboard and pulled Jared close so that he was lying across Jensen’s chest.

“You see. This is the most intimate thing for me, Jared. Here? You, in my arms? I could spend hours like this. Just holding you, just feeling you beside me.”

He scooted down so that they were face to face. Jensen lifted his hand and laid it against Jared’s cheek. “You’re beautiful, Jared. I thought it the first time I saw you in class. I was like, ‘Wow, he’s just gorgeous. Poetry should be written about him.’ I even thought about how I’d describe you to a painter… how the light hits your cheekbones and your eyes? They slant towards the sun, catching the it in their outer edges. So you see, Jared. You’re not alone, but what can this be?”

Jared was mesmerized by Jensen’s words, his mouth. He leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss against his lips. “I want this,” Jared murmured, not really knowing what this was.

“Do you?” Jensen asked quietly. “Because this? This is not your average love song, Jared.”

“I want to be with you… in whatever way I can,” Jared responded, and he lifted his hand to lace his fingers with Jensen’s. The other man looked skeptical.

“If we do this…”

“Let’s do this.”

They lay there together for hours. Jared had to admit that it was probably the most intimate experience he’d ever had and not a shred of clothing was taken off in the process.

*****

“Your final project must be something that works,” Misha stated and he looked at Jared straight on. Jared almost stuck his tongue out at him but thought better of it.

“And it must be something you’ve never built before. So Tam, no computers. Jerry, no robodogs. And Jared, no cars.”

There were murmurs of disappointment throughout the class. The senior seminar was known for allowing students to work on things they’d want to showcase to employers or grad schools. So students were expecting to work on familiar projects and processes. Apparently Misha—who today was wearing a red cardigan and a yellow skirt—had different ideas for the seminar.

“I want proposals for your projects next week. Now go, I’m bored.”

*****

As soon as their relationship started growing deeper, Jared found himself hanging out more and more with Jensen and his friends—especially Danneel. He had quickly become embedded in the other man’s life, which meant he heard about eighteenth century guitars and poems . He also learned more and more about Jensen’s physical and emotional boundaries. Jensen did expect them to have sex at some point but he wanted them to set out agreements and limitations, which for Jared was just very strange. Not bad strange just weird strange. He’d often seen sex as impetuous and spontaneous rather than planned or agreed upon.

During one awkward exchange, Jensen had started listing the sexual activities he was willing to participate in. Including “blow jobs,” he had said, “because I really like them.” Jared had stared at him for a second before Jensen had continued, “You know. Some asexuals have libidos, Jared. You have to stop looking at me as if I’m a starman.” The joke had cut through the tension, but Jared was still hesitant. Part of that was his own history, which Jensen had tried to get him to talk about, but Jared still felt uncomfortable sharing. It was his burden to carry, not Jensen’s. And he was afraid once Jensen knew, the knowledge would change their relationship, forever. 

But for all of their discussions, Jared noted that they never really came to a decision about when sex would happen or even if it would happen. Sex stayed in this metaphorical and potential space between them, and part of Jared felt the anticipation while another part dreaded it. He’d noticed Jensen sometimes staring at him with what seemed to be attraction. But usually if Jensen noticed him noticing, the other man would laugh nervously and say something sweet like, “You’re just really beautiful.” And while Jared appreciated the compliment, it always seemed a bit out of focus…no… a bit too focused, as if he were a text Jensen was studying instead of a human being he was spending time with.

Over the first few weeks of their relationship, Jared had realized that Jensen’s role in the LGBTQ chapter was so crucial that it was almost overwhelming.  Apparently, the chapter hosted an annual fundraiser that had been gaining in popularity since Jensen had taken over and had garnered the attention of local politicians.

Jared feared for Jensen’s sanity. Sometimes he’d walk into the room to find his boyfriend pacing back and forth, muttering lists to himself.  One night they were hanging out together and  Jared was trying to distract him, Jensen had gotten a phone call to come down to the center for some last minute changes. Or what Jensen had called “fucking stupid pseudo-emergencies.”

Jared had offered to go with him, but Jensen had waved him away, telling him to stay and keep Danneel company. After he had left, Jared looked to Danneel and realized that they’d never really been alone together before.

“Our first time alone, aww,” Jared jokes as he got up. He headed into Jensen’s small kitchen to get them both another beer. He turned around and Danneel was standing in the doorway, considering him with a puzzled look.

“What’s your game?” Danneel asked with a hard edge to her voice, not hostile but not really friendly either. It took Jared by surprise.

“Game?” He didn’t quite understand her. He handed her a beer and she motioned for him to sit down at the dining room table, which was just an old card table with a tablecloth thrown on top of it.

Danneel wrapped her hands around the bottle and started to pick absently at the label. “I’ve known Jen for over ten years, did you know that?”

Jared nodded. Jensen had told him that he and Danneel started college together. Even though Danneel had wanted to go out west for an acting career, she had decided to move with Jensen to Austin, so he could do his degree. He hovered a moment, his hand barely touching his own bottle as he considered her. These days, she had a good job at the local radio station and made some decent pay as a voiceover artist. Her unique voice was a win for commercials and child cartoon characters.

“Jensen says you’ve been best friends for years, that he wouldn’t know what to do without you,” Jared whispered. A part of him was jealous of Jensen’s affection for Danneel. He knew it was petty and small, but it was still there.

Danneel nodded. “Yeah, we are close. And so I’m gonna give you a warning here, Jared. If you hurt him, in anyway, I will bring down the wrath of god on you.”

“How do you see me hurting him, Danni?” Jared was surprised and a little hurt that she would assume he was out to hurt Jensen.

“You guys are in this funky honeymoon period right now…” Danneel offered as she got up and stood near the window. She didn’t look at him as she continued, “and you both are head over heels in love. Which is great. I’m happy for him and happy for you But reality’s gonna hit at some point, and when that happens, you need to be honest with him.” She turned back to him and looked him dead in the eyes. “I mean it, Jared. Honest. Don’t hide. Don’t lie. Don’t try to fix it. Just be honest.”

“I’ve got no reason to lie, Danneel.” By this point Jared was beginning to get pissed at her. She was assuming a lot of things about him—about him and Jensen—that he wasn’t sure she understood and didn’t really have business poking into. He was about to say something when she cut him off.

“Before you tell me to mind my own business, Jared. Let me remind you that Jensen is my business. I’ve known him longer, and I know him better than you do. I’ve been here when perfect loves have fallen apart, and I was the one who had to pick up those pieces.”

“What do you mean?” Jensen had been very resistant to talk about his previous relationships. Even when Jared asked him directly, the other man would hedge and claim it wasn’t important. But now, Jared was getting the impression he was locked in a room with an elephant he’d never noticed before now.

“Not my story to tell, Jared.” Danneel backed down and laid her hand on his shoulder. He sensed a wave of kindness overtake her, and he looked up as she stood over him. “I’m just telling you that Jensen is not so strong sometimes. He can be broken, especially by someone he loves.”

“This is so new, Danni. I’m not sure we should be throwing that word around so casually right now.” Jared was nervous. He knew what he felt for Jensen was stronger than anything he had ever felt before. But their relationship wasn’t something he expected, and their lack of sexual intimacy bothered him—even if he didn’t talk about it.

“Jared,” Danneel whispered and started to say something else when the front door opened. Jensen came in and she backed up immediately, before he could see them.

He stared at them for a second and must’ve sensed the tension because he asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Jared covered immediately, not wanting to get back into it. Particularly, not with Jensen.

Danneel shrugged and picked up her purse. “I gotta go. Anyone want to give me a ride?” She looked at Jared.

“Yeah, I’ll do it,” Jared said but there was a feeling of reluctance in him. However, after their talk, he really didn’t want to stay at Jensen’s. He feared that he might try to find out more information than he really wanted to know at the moment.

“Guys, you should stay.” But Jensen’s subsequent yawn belied his offer. He was exhausted, and the chapter’s fundraiser was only a few days away. Jensen was focused on that to an inhuman degree. It must be the thing that made him good at dissertation writing. That focus…that drive to succeed.

Jared leaned down and placed a kiss on Jensen’s lip. Jensen slipped his fingers through Jared’s hair and lingered in the kiss for a few moments longer than usual. After finally pulling back, he looked up at Jared hazily with an expression of pure bliss. “See you tomorrow?”

Jared nodded. “Yeah, once more into the epistolary hell.”

Jensen smiled. “You’ll survive the eighteenth century I promise.”

“Ready?” Danneel interrupted, and Jared nodded, following her out.

They didn’t speak as Jared drove her back to her place. When he pulled up in front of the small house, he let the engine run as he watched her get out. She leaned down and stared at him through the passenger window. “I’m not trying to be mean, Jared. But he’s all I’ve got in the world, and you need to take care of him. I’m not a person you want to piss off.”

“You know, Danni? I can get hurt, too.” He didn’t say anything else as he shifted into gear and pulled off. He left her standing there; he could sense her watching him as he left.

******

“I don’t know yet,” Jared told Misha.

Collins shook his head. “You only have a few weeks left, Jared. I need to know what you’re building, and you can’t procrastinate this time. I’ll have to fail you for the course.  I don’t want to do that, but I won’t pass a student who doesn’t even make an effort.”

“I’m thinking about it, okay?”

“Well think harder.”

“I don’t get what you want. You’re a little too crazy to be an engineer. You know that, right?”

Misha laughed. “Oh, Katherine, the best minds are a touch crazy. It’s why I like you so much.”

“Don’t like me.”

“I can’t help myself.” Misha winked and moved onto Tam, who smiled like she understood what was going on. Jared wondered if perhaps she was the craziest of them all.

“Get to work, Padalecki.”

“Yes, Professor Collins.”

*****

“This will be fine,” Jared assured Jensen as the other man paced nervously in the backroom. The party was set to begin in a few hours, and their speaker had yet to show up. It was a local politician who specialized in gender and gay rights. Jensen had worked hard to get the woman to come, because they were right in the middle of primary season.

“Her assistant said they were on their way, but that was like an hour ago, Jared!”

Jared reached out and pulled his boyfriend close. “She’ll be here.”

Just as he said it, the door opened and she entered with her assistant and campaign manager. From then on, Jensen’s attention was directed toward them. Jared just stood back and watched. He was proud of Jensen and all that he was accomplishing. Someday, he would be a professor and others would look to him for guidance, like students, teachers, and community leaders. Jared imagined that future was laid out in Jensen’s mind. Suddenly, he saw that future too and Jared had a hard time seeing where he fit in. He was an average student who fixed cars for a living, wanted to build cars for a living, and he seemed so out of step with the life that Jensen was heading toward.

“Hey.” Gen caught his attention. “You wanna grab our seats?”

Jared nodded and followed her to the table. They were seated with Danneel, Misha, and Vicky—who was gently rocking their son as he fed. After a few minutes, Jensen took to the makeshift stage set up in the media center. The mic screamed as Jensen began to speak and then the sound came back to normal.

“Well that was pleasant,” Jensen joked before starting his introduction. He praised the local representative’s work on human rights and her advocacy for the LGBTQ community. Everyone clapped as she entered the stage. Her speech was sensitive, passionate, and by the end of it, the audience was halfway between tears and awe. Jared looked on proudly as everyone stood and gave both her and Jensen a standing ovation. His boyfriend did important work and again, that shadow of insecurity came over him. What was Jensen doing with him?

As the party started, Jared tried to make his way to Jensen but others kept stepping in between them. He wanted to congratulate Jensen but his circle of friends and colleagues closed around him. Jared felt gulf open and widen between the two of them, not only physically but emotionally.

“Holy shit,” Gen whispered and pointed across the room. There standing together were Professor Morgan and Jared’s boss, Amanda.

_That’s weird._

Then realization hit him. “That’s not right,” Jared muttered, and he turned to go back to the bar. He ordered a drink and made his way back to the table. Gen made a beeline for Amanda and Morgan to get the scoop, because she was a horrible gossip at times, while Jared sat and watched Jensen’s life fill up with others that weren’t him. Danneel stood close to Jensen as community leaders shook his hand and talked to him about future projects and other things he was planning to do with the chapter. Jared heard bits and pieces as Jensen’s crowd ebbed back and forth, coming close to the table, and then moving away. If he was better at metaphor, he’d see this as a symbol.

Jared stared at Danneel and Jensen. They made a stunning looking couple. Jared wondered if they had ever tried to make their relationship something more than it was. Honestly, the two were so close that they seemed almost married. That train of thought depressed him, as he now was seeing himself as the other woman in the triangle. Jensen kept looking around, and Jared wondered if he was looking for him. But Jensen would get sidetracked quickly as another person grabbed his attention. Jared ordered another drink from a random waiter and let the alcohol soothe him.

“Jared, right?” He looked up and considered the guy. He vaguely recalled him.

“Matt?” Jared asked and the man nodded.

“Can I join you?” Matt gestured toward the chair next to him.

“Sure!” Jared didn’t hesitate. At least someone was interested in talking to him. Matt sat down and started in about his new play.  Jared listened, trying to be polite, but as the booze settled on him, all he could think about were Matt’s lips. They seemed made for sucking all kinds of naughty things. Matt must’ve sensed the interest because he kept licking his lips seductively, and soon Jared felt the other man’s hand rest on his thigh under the table. It’d been months since he’d had anyone touch him in a sexual way. He and Jensen touched, held each other, and even made out, but they always stopped before they went into territory Jared even felt uncomfortable thinking about now. He leaned further into the touch.

“Jared?” He looked up and saw Jensen looming over them. He stared at Matt’s hand, which even though hidden beneath the table, couldn’t be mistaken as anything other than what it was.

“Hey, Jensen!” Jared smiled and nodded to Matt. “This is Matt. He’s an actor.”

“Yeah, I know Matt. Nice to see you again,” Jensen said stiffly. “Now please remove your hand from my boyfriend’s leg.”

“Jensen.” Danneel came up beside him. “The mayor wants to see you...” She stopped when she sensed the tension, and her eyes fell on Matt’s arm. “Oh, fuck me.”

“No. Jensen doesn’t do that,” Jared whispered and before he realized how petty and harsh that sounded. Jensen drew in a sharp breath, hurt clear in his beautiful green eyes.

“So. I’m gonna go,” Matt said softly and hurried away from the table, leaving the three of them there in an awkward silence.

“Jensen? Mayor?”

“I heard you, Danni. I’m coming,” he said and then stared at Jared. “Stay here. You shouldn’t drive, and we need to talk.”

Jared nodded but didn’t raise his eyes from where they settled on the tablecloth. He was left alone for a few minutes before Gen slipped back into the chair beside him. Unaware of what had transpired, she started excitedly, “So Morgan and Tapping. Oh boy, this is epic.”

“Not now, Gen,” Jared said, and he looked up at her. She leaned back and his expression must’ve given him away because she started cooing, “Oh hon, what’s going on?” She pulled him close and laid his head on her shoulder.

“I don’t think it’s gonna work, Gen,” Jared whispered, and he didn’t have the heart to say what it was but they both knew.

“Oh Jared,” Gen soothed as he felt the tears fall down and run into her skin.

They sat that way for a while when Gen lifted him up and stated, “Let’s get you out of here, okay?”

He nodded and looked over at Jensen and Danneel. They were paying attention to the mayor and his entourage. Knowing they were distracted, he quickly followed Gen out. He handed her his keys, and she drove them back to his apartment. Chad didn’t even say a word when he saw Jared’s face. He just offered him a beer, which Jared refused. Gen guided him onto the bed and took his shoes off, as he told her what happened.

“Jared, why did you do that?”

“I’m built to fail,” he whispered drunkenly. “I should’ve used me as the project, huh.” He mused as he slipped under the covers.

“Go to sleep,” she whispered and ran her fingers through his hair. “It’ll be better in the morning, I promise.”

“I don’t think it will be, Gen.”

“Shhh, sleep.” She turned the light off as she left. He stared at the ceiling for a long time before sleep finally took him.

Sometime during the night, the bed shifted and Jared woke up immediately. His head hurt and stomach rolled. He felt arms come around him and for a moment he forgot the evening’s earlier events, but then it all flooded back to him. He tried to turn, but Jensen didn’t let him.

“Tomorrow. We’ll discuss it tomorrow. Go back to sleep.”

Jared heard the choked tears in Jensen’s voice, and he wished tomorrow not to come.  He felt the nausea turn to dread as Jensen’s fingers clenched around his middle, holding on tightly in a way he never did before.

*****

Jared woke up to Jensen’s caress. He stroked up and down Jared’s arm—the slightest of touches—and Jared turned to him. His boyfriend was looking at him with a sad expression. They didn’t talk as Jensen laid gentle kisses up his chest, toward his neck. Jared started to protest, but Jensen grabbed his hand, and squeezed, silencing him.

“Your body is beautiful,” Jensen whispered. “It’s like a piece of art. Planes and lines and angles. All symmetrical and meeting at perfect points. Did you know that symmetry is the most common aesthetic quality of beauty? We want to see the world as paired with itself.”

“Jensen.” Jared pulled him closer.

Jensen lingered near his neck and then made his journey downward, tracing the sinews of muscles with his lips and hands. He glanced up at Jared with an earnest stare. “Can I?” Jared remembered the talks they’d had about this, about consent, about asking, about being ready.

He paused for a moment and then nodded at Jensen. “Of course.”

He hitched his hips up as Jensen pulled his boxers down, the clothes coming off in one easy sweep. He felt Jensen’s breath on his body as he nuzzled his face against Jared’s thigh—reaching up and grasping the hardened cock. Jared gasped as he felt Jensen’s tongue lick over the head, tasting at the dripping precome. Jared grabbed Jensen’s head and tried to move him back up his body, but Jensen wouldn’t cooperate. Instead, he focused all his attention on quite expertly giving Jared the most magnificent blowjob he had ever had.

Jensen took his time, massaging his balls and poking one finger inside him as he sucked and stroked Jared into a frenzy. He moaned out Jensen’s name as he felt the orgasm travel up his body, the tingling sensation starting what seemed in his toes and moving through him at lightning speed. He tried to warn Jensen. But rather than move, Jensen sucked harder, swallowing him whole as he stiffened and came. His body rocked hard into the feeling, spurting out come so fast he was surprised Jensen could take it.

Jared’s breath came out in stutters as he reached toward Jensen, who moved away from the touch. “Don’t,” Jensen pleaded and then sat up on the side of the bed. He hunched his shoulders on a long sigh before saying, “When I was twenty, I fell in love with a guy named Chris. He was a musician. Perfect in many ways—funny, smart, gorgeous. We kind of just clicked, and at that point I really didn’t understand what was going on with me.”

Jensen turned back to look at Jared. “I was pretty reserved in high school. I thought ...well I knew I was different. I liked guys. I liked girls. But there was just something missing, or it felt like it was missing. I tried, Jared. I really tried.” Jensen’s voice broke, but then he straightened his shoulders and continued, “I spent a good portion of my young adulthood feeling broken and…I’m not. I never was.”

“I’m sorry,” Jared said helplessly.

“So Chris was kind of a revelation. He was really the first guy I felt attracted to, but that happened after a long time. Y’know? It wasn’t like I had this feeling when I first saw him, but as we grew closer, I fell more in love and started to feel like I could be physical with him. That that was the missing component. So we had this relationship, and it was physical—sexual—but it was still never as important as the other things we were to each other. Or at least that’s how I felt.”

Jensen stood up and walked over to the window. The morning fog obscured the view of the outside, and Jared somehow felt it was appropriate. “But it wasn’t how Chris felt. The more time we spent together and the more I wanted to focus on the emotional and other parts of our relationship, the more he pulled away. And I get it. I’m not even mad at him. Danneel, of course, wants to kill him, but she doesn’t understand how hard it is to love someone differently than they love you.”

“Danneel,” Jared murmured, the force of his jealousy full in his mouth.

“What?” Jensen asked, and Jared could see that he didn’t understand and that made it all the more painful.

Jared searched for the words, but he couldn’t quite make them make sense. All he had were images—fractured shards of horror that lingered in his mind. They were puzzle pieces from a thousand different boxes, all waiting to be put together. How could he tell Jensen that he fears that he loves her more?

Without thought and knowing he would probably regret it, Jared started to explain. His voice rose in volume, “Perhaps you don’t get that your affection isn’t different, or at least you don’t show it? You know, I do like sex. I’m not gonna apologize for that Jensen. It’s not a bad thing.”

“I’m not asking you to,” Jensen stated sadly. “But you have to understand…”

“I do get it, but you have to see my point of view here, too. I sat back and watched while Danneel stood by your side, like your fucking wife, as you entertained everyone last night. I wasn’t even a thought in your mind or a blip on your radar. You kiss her on the cheek. You hold her in your arms. You give her everything you give to me so what’s the difference, huh? Where do I fit in?”

“What are you talking about?” Jensen looked at him with surprise. “You’re Jared.”

“That’s not good enough, Jensen. I need to see where I fit and who I am to you. Because there’s nothing that lets me know that I’m that important to you. That I am any more special than Danneel and you know what? That hurts. I can’t even say that I get you in a way she doesn’t, because I don’t.”

“Sex is not a mark of ownership, Jared,” Jensen snapped. He started grabbing his clothes and pulling them on. Jared watched as he buckled the pants.

“Oh wait a minute, so you get to explain to me why you are the way you are, and when I try to tell you what it does to me you get to leave? Yeah, mature.” Jared was steaming mad, the anger of last night coming back in full swing.

“I don’t get what you want from me?” Jensen shouted, standing there with his clothes in his hand.

“I want to know that you’re mine, Jensen. That I get you in a way that others don’t. Are we in this or are you just waiting until the next boy comes along that catches your imagination?”

“That’s not fair, Jared.”

“Well you standing there and pretending to be married to Danneel didn’t feel all that fair to me last night.” Jared shot back. This time he got up and pulled his boxers on.

“So is that why you let Matt flirt with you? Touch you!” Jensen threw the clothes on the bed and sat down. He pulled his sneakers on and stood back up. “You were practically fucking with your eyes. Is that what you want?” He grabbed Jared suddenly and threw him back on the bed. He straddled Jared’s lap and bent down. Biting his neck as he rode him and rubbing their cocks together.

Jared felt his cock stir again, but Jensen’s anger astonished him, so he pushed back. Jensen, after a tug or two, fell backwards, slipping off his lap and laying on the bed. He didn’t move but just asked quietly, “Is that what you want?”

“Sex isn’t ownership but it sure as hell isn’t a weapon either, Jensen.” Jared replied sadly. They both lay there for a long while, not talking. Finally, Jared sat up.

“Was this a goodbye, Jensen?” Jared choked out, feeling on the edge of wrong.

Jensen got up and wandered back to the window. He stood there for several seconds. He didn’t turn but continued to stare out the window as he said, “Not a goodbye, Jared. But an ending. I think we both know this won’t work.” Jensen pulled his sweater off the bed and wrapped it around his body, hiding his flesh from Jared’s view.

“So we just do what?” Jared was starting to feel the anger bubble to the surface again. He was mad at Jensen, mad at himself, mad at everything.

“We be what we started out being. Friends.”

“I don’t know if I can do that,” Jared replied, and he was honest. He didn’t know if he could return to a friendship with Jensen.

“Then we just move on,” Jensen said. He grabbed the rest of his stuff and walked to the door. He was about to shut it behind him when Jared stopped him.

“Did we ever have a chance?” Jared asked. Jensen hesitated before looking back. His green eyes were dark with sadness.

“I don’t know,” Jensen whispered and then shut the door behind. The soft click a punctuation mark on their exchange.

***************

“You’re an idiot,” Danneel announced as she entered the garage. Her voice rang out through the yard, and all the guys stopped to look at her.

“I’ll be your idiot,” Stan—the middle aged mechanic working on a broken down Jeep—shouted out.

Danneel paused for a second and instead of insulting him, she smiled. “If you were ten years younger and owned the garage, we’d talk.” He laughed at her and shook his head before turning back to the engine block.

“Padalecki, silence your friend.” Amanda called out from the front office. There were several customers waiting and Danneel’s entrance had been dramatic enough to halt business for a few moments.

“What do you want?” Jared asked as he grabbed the torque wrench and continued working on the distributor cap. He wasn’t in the mood for Danneel or anything connected to Jensen. He had actually thought about dropping Morgan’s class, but he couldn’t afford another semester and he was far enough into the semester that he wouldn’t get a refund.

“I want you to pull your head out of your ass, and get over yourself,” she responded and then hit him on the shoulder, which caused him to drop the wrench into the engine body.

“Shit, fuck, dammit,” Jared yelled, watching the wrench lodge itself between the alternator belt and block. It was a small space, so he was hoping his hand would fit. But before he tried, he rose up and stared at Danneel. “Get out of here,” he told her, making his voice as cold as he could.

“Oh screw you, Jared. I’m not afraid of you,” Danneel laughed caustically at him, which pissed him off even more. He blamed her in part for his failure with Jensen.

“And don’t look at me like that. This was not my fault. You both are idiots.” Danneel grabbed his arm and pulled. At first he was going to just stand his ground, but when he realized all the other guys were staring at them, he decided it’d be best to at least do this in private.

They went into the back office, and Jared closed the door. “Talk,” he commanded.

“Who the fuck do you think you are, Captain Bossy?” Danneel settled down on the desk. “So here’s the deal. You’re important to Jensen. Really important.”

“Danneel,” he sighed her name. The tension leaving to be replaced by a mixture of sadness and resignation. “It’s not about importance, okay? We’re all important to Jensen.”

“But you’re extra important. Like he is pretty pathetic right now. He told me about your fight. First of all, I’m not gonna apologize for being part of Jensen’s life. You don’t get to take him from me, but you don’t get that I will never be to him what you are. I can’t.”

Jared stared at her for a moment and it finally made sense. “But you wanted to be.”

Danneel laughed uncomfortably. “Of course I did, Jared. He’s my best friend and the man I can talk to about anything. Wouldn’t you want that as well? But I gave that up a long time ago, and I’m good now. We’re good. But I am a part of his life and so are you…or you could be.”

“It’s not that easy, Danni.” He used her nickname, trying to alleviate some of the hurt feelings. “I need things…I need to feel that I’m not just a replacement for you or another friend he feels comfortable enough to lay beside. I thought I could handle the no-sex thing. I really did, but sex is important to me. For many reasons, besides just wanting to feel that connection to someone that others don’t have.”

“Jared.” Danneel placed her hand on his arm. “It’s not like he never has sex. He’s not celibate. It’s just that sex is not the thing that makes him tick or makes him feel romantic about someone.”

“I get that, and I know he loves me. But I’m a physical person. I want to cuddle, yeah. I also want to feel someone inside…want them to look at me through that haze of desire and want, and know that it’s the most beautiful part of who we can be.” Jared hunched his shoulders in defeat. “And we can’t have that, not me and Jensen. Because I’ll always feel like it’s this thing that we just do because I want it, rather than knowing we both want it.”

Danneel sighed heavily. “I wish you felt differently.”

“I don’t, Danni. Just as I don’t want Jensen to change for me, I don’t want to change for Jensen. It’s not fair to either one of us.”

“Fine, but at least think about your friendship...”

“Maybe someday. Just not now.” Jared responded and with that, Danneel gave him one last look and walked out.

He stood there a few minutes trying to get his bearings, pushing back the tears that threatened to spill over. He was torn in half, and life just kept pouring acid over his wounds.

***********

Chad convinced him to go out—that it would be the best medicine for a broken heart and dry dick. Which was an image he would never thank the man for, ever.

They were seated at the bar when the music started playing. The sound of a guitar wafted through the air, and it was magical sounding. Jared turned his head and saw the guitar player bent over the instrument, concentrating on it. The guy lifted his head and took the mic, “This is for my favorite memory.” He nodded toward the front table, and Jared’s eyes followed him. Then, his breath stopped when he saw Jensen and Danneel sitting at the table.

“Who’s the guitarist?” Jared asked the bartender, already dreading the answer.

“Oh, that’s Chris. He came back into town a few weeks ago. Was a big hit a few years ago around town.” He continued to speak even when Jared turned back to the stage and listened to the song.

_Over roads leading north_  
and suns setting west  
I turn my face towards you  
When the wind blows me on  
and the storms rage outside  
I turn my face towards you  
You’re a lighthouse on the shore  
A beacon in the night  
You’re a signal pointing home  
A safe harbor from this fight  
  
What is past is always here  
Even when you’re gone, you are near  
And whatever path I may find  
You are the heart of my mind  
I always turn my face towards you

Jared got up and made his way to the exit, not wanting to hear more. He ignored Chad as he called out to him. He was just outside the bar’s door when he heard his name called, but this time from too familiar a voice.

“Jared?”

He stopped and turned around. Jensen was standing inches from him, and he almost turned back, but manners and the deep down need to be near Jensen halted him.

“I didn’t know you were here,” Jensen offered. “I haven’t seen you in a few weeks.”

Jared had gotten permission from Morgan to finish his final essay without attending class. He had explained that he was bogged down with his final engineering project and that current events had transpired between him and Jensen that might make classroom interaction awkward. Morgan had been more than willing to work with him to avoid the painful embarrassment of his TA having to work with his ex-boyfriend.

“Yeah, well I’ve been busy.” Jared explained. “I really have to go, so it was good to see you.”

“You should come back inside. I’d like you to meet Chris.” Jensen whispered, and Jared looked at him with shock.

“What?” Jared couldn’t quite believe Jensen thought it would be okay to introduce him to the guy who just sang Jensen a fucking love song. “Are you damaged?”

“Huh?” Jensen didn’t seem to get it and that just reignited Jared’s residual anger. But he tamped it down quickly. It was no one’s fault. This was just what it is. Awkward, painful, and he needed out.

Trying to sound polite he said, “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I mean, I think I need to go.”

“I wish you wouldn’t.” Jensen stepped forward, coming to stand beside him. He lifted his hand toward Jared but let it drop slowly back to his side.

“Jensen,” Jared warned. “You need to...We just can’t, okay?” Jared walked away and was next to his car when he turned to see Jensen following him.

“What happened to you, Jared? Why do you think you’re so unworthy?”

“What? You don’t know what you’re saying,” Jared responded. He was afraid now, afraid that Jensen would find him out. He’d hidden for a long time and he didn’t know if he was ready to do this. Not now. Not yet. Not ever. He opened the car door, but Jensen slammed it shut again.

“Talk to me, Jared. I need to know why you let this happen. Why you pushed me away. It’s not about the sex, I know it’s not that.”

“Fuck you,” Jared muttered and tried to open the door, but Jensen placed his body between Jared and the black metal door.

“You don’t even know,” Jared yelled. “You don’t know what it’s like…”

“Like what?”

“Like to kill someone because you couldn’t love them like they deserved…like they wanted… like you wanted to love them…” Jared’s yell faded into part whisper, part cry.

“Oh, Jared. No.” Jensen put his hand out to touch Jared’s shoulder but Jared stepped out of reach.

He bent his head and took a deep breath, and then Jared raised his eyes to meet Jensen’s. “Wanna know about my first time? It was with a girl named Sandy, and she was so fucking awesome. Cute, funny, adorable. She was wife material. Y’know? I was going to marry her.”

“Jared,” Jensen tried to touch him again, but Jared moved back again. He didn’t want to be comforted. He didn’t deserve to be comforted.

“So I suspected I was gay...I knew it, but it was like I could be something different, right? I mean, I loved Sandy. She was everything I could ever want. So what if I wasn’t attracted to her, but that was okay because love is about more than sex. It’s about total commitment and sex is such a small part of it…” Jared was reliving the speech he gave to Sandy the night after they had made love for the first time.

_Why can’t you love me, Jared?_

_I do, Sandy. I do. Don’t go._

“You can love someone and still...” Jared didn’t finish. He couldn’t bring himself to live through that morning again—the phone call, the crying aunt, the wondering why. She had left him a letter.

_I loved you, Jared._

“So you see, Jensen. Sometimes sexual love is important, and I’m just not ready to…I’ve gotta go.” He pushed Jensen out of the way and got into the car. The other man didn’t try to stop him. He looked in the rearview as he drove away and watched as Jensen fell out of sight. He drove to a random spot in the city and stopped, getting out to walk.

*******

He wandered around the campus for hours. He wasn’t ready to go home, but he couldn’t go back to where Jensen was. Just the thought of watching Jensen listen to an old lover sing him a love song filled Jared with anger and defeat. So he just walked and thought. He remembered Sandy and how much she had wanted to have a life with him. The rational part of him recognized that she’d had other issues that fed into her depression. He knew he hadn’t caused her downward spiral, but he felt like he’d been the key that ignited the engine. After an hour or so, he found himself outside a small dive near his apartment. It was a gay bar—complete with drag shows, hidden pleasure rooms, and many _many_ young beautiful men. He went in and sat at the bar, ordering drink after drink.

“Jared?”

He turned and saw Matt standing next to him. He must’ve been on his fourth… tenth drink, he’d lost count. Matt looked as gorgeous as ever, as he took the seat next to him. It’d been over a month since he had seen the guy…the night before he and Jensen broke up. The thought of Jensen, and then Chris and Jensen, pissed him off so he muttered, “Fuck him.”

“Who?” Matt asked smiling.

“Nevermind. Nobody. So how’s the acting going?” That led to an hour discussion about Matt’s play and the gossip around the two lead actresses and their tawdry affair. Jared was bored, but he kept looking at Matt and wondering what it would feel like to bend the man over the nearest chair and fuck him until he couldn’t stand.

He reached out and grabbed Matt’s ass, squeezed it, and then nodded towards the backroom. “You wanna?”

Matt smiled widely. “Hell yeah, been wanting to since I saw you at that first event back in September.”

“Good, let’s do this then.” Jared got up and didn’t wait, expecting Matt to follow. He hadn’t been in here before, so he just went by instinct and found an empty corner in one of the back bars. It was dimly light, almost dark and there weren’t many people around.

Matt groaned as Jared’s hand moved down, cupping his hip and shifting them in the small space. Jared leaned over him, laying his chest against Matt’s back. He pushed Matt into the wall, massaging the tight muscles of his lower back. He rubbed the heel of his hand into the dip of his spine, making small circles that led lower until he let his finger tip tease the small round muscle he was seeking.

What had begun slow, suddenly turned urgent as skin slid against skin. All the while, Matt echoed his need and desire with harsh breaths. “Do it.” He growled and bit into Jared’s upper arm. But there was a distance in Jared, a sense that he was watching this happen rather than feeling it happen. He watched his hand slide over Matt’s hard cock, felt his own rub against a denim clad thigh. It was so mechanical, and he cursed. Matt seemed to get off even harder. As Jared let out a stream of curses, Matt’s body tightened and then he spilled over Jared’s hand. Jared detachedly felt his own orgasm hit and soak his jeans. But in that moment, he realized his mistake and had his epiphany.

He could live without sex all of the time…he just couldn’t imagine life without Jensen.

He didn’t say a word as Matt zipped himself up and didn’t respond when Matt asked to dance. Jared simply turned and walked away, wondering what other failures he was bound to meet come morning.

*******

After showering, Jared laid in bed clutched by panic over Jensen and his life and his education.  His project for Misha was due in two weeks, and he had yet to finalize what he wanted to do. Finally, not getting any sleep, he moved to get up and that’s when he saw the book of poetry Jensen had left behind.

All of a sudden, Jared knew. He knew what he wanted to build, what he wanted to make.

Early the next morning, he hurried to campus with the materials he had and reserved a workshop room in the engineering department. Because so many students were working on projects at the same time, Jared had to trot out his charm and his flexibility—late night reservations—to guarantee he could use the tools and space he needed. He was lucky that the department allowed the senior students to reserve the rooms for projects. He carried the rest of his materials in over the weekend and began drawing the sketches. He checked out books that would help him in designing the item. When he got to the department’s building and his reserved space, the hall filled with the sounds of cutting, shaving, sanding, and other echoes of work.

Jared felt good as he worked. It was the first time in a long while that he felt the adrenaline of creating something rush through him. He took the sketches and laid them out as he designed and built.

Late on Sunday he was in the middle of a particularly delicate stage in building so he hadn’t answered his phone for a long time, even as it rung again and again. Finally, he checked to see that Chad had called over ten times. Fearing there was something wrong, he called back immediately. Chad’s irritated voice greeted him.

“Come home and get your drunk ass boyfriend out of our apartment.”

Jared laughed. “What?”

“Your drunk boyfriend or ex-boyfriend or ex-friend with no fucking benefits…is now sitting in our living room waxing poetic about your goddamn body and your dick. Which by the way, I never need to know about.” Chad sighed. “No, Jensen. You can’t sleep in his bed! I don’t care if it smells like him! You’re a creeper, man!”

“Chad. Just let him go in there,” Jared told him.

“Get home now,” Chad ordered and hung up.

Jared looked down at his work and sighed. He was just about to start the hard part and needed all the time he could get. But he pushed his protective glasses up on his head and started getting ready to go home.

A half hour later, he was standing in the doorway to his bedroom and trying not to laugh at Jensen laid out on his bed.  
  
He jostled Jensen awake. “Hey man, you better get up so I can make the bed.”

“No,” Jensen protested. “It smells like my Jared.”

“Your Jared?”

Jensen peered up at him through blurred eyes. “Yeah, my Jared. Will you be my Jared?”

“Jensen.” Jared sighed and sat down on the bed next to him. “Let’s just let you get sober and then we can have this talk okay?”

Jensen spooned his body around Jared’s leg, holding tight against his thigh. “I’ll do what you want,” Jensen whispered into his jean leg. “I’ll make love to you every day, I promise.” He walked his fingers up the inside of Jared’s thigh, moving fast towards his crotch. Jared put his hand over the wandering fingers.

“Don’t,” Jared told him and ran his fingers through Jensen’s short hair. “Sober up and let’s talk, okay? I have stuff I need to say.”

“No talking.” Jensen pulled Jared down and kissed him long and hard. It was the most erotic kiss he had ever felt, and he wanted to fall into the feeling but they couldn’t fix this with sex. In fact, sex would be the most terrible decision they could make..

“Later,” Jared murmured as he pulled away.

“Sleep with me,” Jensen pleaded. “I miss you in my bed. I miss your body.”

“And Chad wants you to never discuss my body in public again, just so you know,” Jared scolded as he kicked off his shoes.

“He’s a prude,” Jensen complained and Jared guffawed.

“Yeah, that’s it.”

They settled in. and Jared admitted that he had missed this more than anything—just being with Jensen, holding him as they fell to sleep.

Later, Jared woke up and reached out, only to find Jensen gone. . He hurried out, hoping that Jensen hadn’t left the apartment, but he encountered Chad instead.

“Hungover, ex-friend with no sexing left this morning with shame and humiliation clinging to him. I’d ask if you had a good time, but apparently you can regret things other than bad sex.”

“Chad, stop.”

“What? True fax.” Chad made a peace sign to underline his point. Jared responded with his middle finger.

Jared tried to call Jensen, but it went straight to voicemail. He wanted to talk to him, but the project needed his full attention, as did his last assignment for Morgan’s class. He sighed and hoped that Jensen would be more reachable after the week passed.

*****

After days of working on the project, Jared was just about to begin the final stages when Misha found him in the storeroom.

“Hey, Jared.” Misha walked into the room and walked around as Jared set down his box of items.

“Not Katherine?” Jared asked as he took a container of turpentine out and began removing some rags.

“You’re more like an Indie Brad Pitt/Joseph Gordon Levitt hybrid now. I’ll figure out a name at some point. I’m just ruminating now.” Misha smiled slightly as he looked down at Jared’s project. He whistled in appreciation at the almost finished guitar.

“This is beautiful,” he said as he ran his finger along the spine. “Baroque?”

“Yeah, from the late eighteenth century. I found some books at the library and just went from there.”

“Does it work?”

Jared put his hand out before Misha could touch the body, “Not right now. I have work left to do on it and the varnish is still delicate.”

Misha must have noticed the tools in his hand at that point. “What are you planning to do?” They both knew this was built for one person and one person only.

“You’ll see,” Jared promised and then shooed his professor out the door. “All in good time, my friend.”

*******************

Jared kept trying to get a hold of Jensen, but as the semester wound down, his workload picked up. He had one final essay for Morgan. He wrote it over the next week, trying to pour everything he learned from Jensen and from Morgan into the work. He looked at it one final time before hitting the send button on his email. Morgan had asked everyone to email the final paper as he was planning to be out of town the week of finals with his now fiancée, Amanda.

After that essay was finished, he grabbed his things and went to his final class for engineering. He was presenting his project today, and he was nervous.

He grabbed the guitar from the workroom and headed to class. He entered and looked at all the other projects. Tam’s work centered on creating a deluxe size engine for a vacuum cleaner, one that would increase suction. Jerry brought his structural engineering background into play and designed a new type of slide for playgrounds. Others had elaborate and mystifying projects, and he could see the pride on Misha’s face as he showed the Dean of Engineering each and every one. Today, Misha was dressed in an understated suit with brilliant pink cufflinks and a bright blue tie.

They made their way to his table, and Jared stood the guitar up on a stand. It was delicately constructed from the plans he had created, and had a dark varnished finish with a bowed neck. The strings were in tune and he had etched out five of Shelley’s poems on the body. Near the strings, the words of “Love’s Philosophy” melted into “An Ode to Intellectual Beauty.” On the back “Music, When Soft Voices Die” danced alongside “Prometheus Unbound” and on the neck, “Ozymandias” made its way down the spine.

“Jared, this is fantastic,” Misha breathed out as the Dean reached out to touch the guitar.

“This is astounding,” the Dean spoke reverently and plucked at the strings. They played through the room with purpose and finely tuned melody.

“Oh my god.”

Jared turned and saw Jensen walk into the room. He hadn’t expected him to be there, but as he looked up he saw that Misha was smiling and knew what or who had brought Jensen there.

“You made this?” Jensen whispered and took the guitar from the Dean’s hands. He gasped when he saw the writing. Jensen had left the volume of Shelley’s work at Jared’s when they had broken up. It was the thing that had inspired Jared to make the guitar.

“I wanted you to have something that no one else would ever have,” Jared whispered, now embarrassed and afraid that Jensen wouldn’t like it or would reject what it meant.

“You did this for me?” Jensen stared at the instrument and everyone in the room fell silent as he strummed the strings, a song emerging from his fingers with ease and skill.

“Who else would love a baroque guitar etched with Shelley poems?” Jared laughed nervously. Tam giggled, and Misha turned to hush her.

“Engineers don’t giggle, Tam.” Misha adjusted his pink cufflinks for emphasis.

Jensen laid the guitar down and grabbed Jared by the back of the neck, pulling him down for a kiss. Everyone in the room erupted in applause, and Jared ignored them as he closed his arms around Jensen’s body.

“I love you,” he whispered into Jensen’s ear after he had pulled away from the kiss. “I love you more than anything in the world.”

“You have all of me, Jared.” Jensen promised and took Jared’s hand to lay it across his heart. “This belongs to no one but you. No one.”

“We still have to talk,” Jared said, and Jensen nodded.

“Yes, but we’ll do it together. Because you’re not leaving me. You’re here for the long haul. We’re gonna build a life together that’s as beautiful as this guitar. You and me against the world…in the world.”

Jared smiled, and he was still clinging to Jensen when Misha leaned over and whispered in his ears, “You passed with flying colors, Katherine. And you got the boy, too.” Misha pulled back and winked as he turned to shoo the other students out.

_The fountains mingle with the river_  
   And the rivers with the ocean,  
The winds of heaven mix for ever  
   With a sweet emotion;  
Nothing in the world is single;  
   All things by a law divine  
In one spirit meet and mingle.  
   Why not I with thine?—

_See the mountains kiss high heaven_  
   And the waves clasp one another;  
No sister-flower would be forgiven  
   If it disdained its brother;  
And the sunlight clasps the earth  
   And the moonbeams kiss the sea:  
What is all this sweet work worth  
   If thou kiss not me?  
\- “Love’s Philosophy,” Percy Bysshe Shelley

**Epilogue** :

Jared and Jensen were cleaning out their stuff for the move when Jensen came across an old envelope from Jeff Morgan, addressed to Jared.

“Hey, what’s this?” Jensen asked as he opened it. They’d been together for five years now. Jensen had finished his dissertation over two years ago and—instead of going into academics, had parlayed his experience as the LGBTQ director into a position for the local state representative. He was her speech writer and top researcher for human rights.

Jared laughed as he saw Jensen draw out the paper. “Oh, that was my really emo final exam paper for Morgan. That was during our breakup.”

“Aww, did you miss me?” Jensen teased as he opened the paper. He fell silent as he read.

“I made you a fucking guitar, man. So yeah, I missed you.”

Jared continued packing and left Jensen to his reading. He remembered the paper and was kind of embarrassed by it. He and Jensen had long since moved past any awkward revelations between them, so he thought he would just let Jensen have his amusement in private.

“You’re a beautiful fucker.” Jensen tackled him from behind, and they fell on the bed laughing. Jensen had the paper in his hand, and Jared tried to take it. Jensen held it up and out of reach.

“Don’t you dare,” Jared warned as Jensen scooted back toward the headboard and situated himself. He started to read.

_Letters should be written in love, for love. Communication is, by its very nature, one soul reaching out to another. But can we ever guarantee that letters arrive to their intended, full and complete? If I would write a letter to my love, I would write simply this…I love you more than you know and language can never show you what that feeling is. I can recite you poetry. I can build you castles of rock or sand, but really, every act in my life is my love letter to you._

“Okay, I get it. It was bad. Do not even think about correcting my grammar, dude. Or I will bite you in places that will hurt.” Jared wiggled his eyebrows at Jensen, who smirked and continued.

_I don’t have a lot to write about the eighteenth century epistolary tradition because I’ll be honest, it just seems like overwrought texting. But I can say that no matter if it’s the eighteenth century, the twenty-first century, or beyond, a letter is just a note in a song we’ll never hear._

“What does that even mean?” Jared laughed at his own writing. “God, I was messed up.”

“Aw, Jared. You were so in wuv with me!” He kissed Jared on the top of the head. “Hey, wait a minute. Did you read the note Morgan left you?”

“No, I’ll be honest. I was just happy to have passed and I was surprised he sent it back to me. I figured everyone got theirs back.”

Jensen shook his head, “Well as Morgan’s former TA, I can guarantee you that not everyone got their final papers mailed back to them.”

“Well what does it say?”

Jensen smiled. “It says, ‘Dear god, Jared. Go get Jensen back and promise me you won’t ever read bad poetry, listen to emo music, and try to write a paper again. Okay? You passed, but just promise to stick to engineering as a profession…Good luck.”

Jared laughed. “I’m gonna tease him so bad when I go to see him and Amanda next week.”

“We’ll bring your paper…” Jensen teased. They fell into each other’s arms, laughing as they playfully tumbled over the unpacked clothes.

Jensen had been right from the start. It was them against and in the world. Together.

 


End file.
